Do you remember what it was like to be a child? Before someone told you who to be? Before you sought someone else's approval, before you forgot who you were? Remember being wild and free? Not caring what others said, because you were happy just being who God made you to be? All the crazy ideas, outfits, and hair-do's? It didn't matter if your clothes were matching or not, if you liked it you wore it. You didn't give a second thought to what "so-and-so" might think. You like it, that's all that mattered. You were young, and free. Free from caring what others may think. I remember being a little girl, not matching my clothes or understanding why I needed to "look nice" for picture day. My parents would inform me that I hadn't matched my clothes, I couldn't understand what that had to do with anything or why that mattered (-and sometimes I still don't, haha!) As long as I liked what I was wearing, that's all that mattered. (Note* even though I often didn't match, and my parents knew it, they let me be, they let me be me.)
I'm not sure when it happened exactly, but eventually, years later, I began to care what people thought about me. More than just clothes deep. I cared what they thought about the way I laughed, and even what I would laugh at. I cared if they thought I was being too "overbearing" in my personality or if I was "too happy". I started to become imprisoned to who I thought they wanted me to be (someone so opposite from who I really was, ) I now know that this was because it wasn't really me.) If you ask me, I became mean and very unhappy during that time, yet I didn't know why. The innocence and freedom of being myself had been stolen and now imprisoned me to striving for the approval of others. It was a constant battle. I was never good enough, it was draining. I cared so much what people thought about me, I lived in constant fear and torment that people wouldn't like me or accept me. I think this may have been the cause to what eventually drove me to be slightly anorexic in my young teen years.
At some point, I believe it was at the same youth camp I was set free from the anorexia that I realized what had happened. What was stolen from me. The "real" me had been taken from me and I hadn't even realized it. The closer I got to God, the more free I felt to be me. Slowly over the years, I've let go of my fear of not being liked, understood or accepted. In the process of undoing all the knots and lies the devil tangled in my mind and used to keep me from truly being myself, and accepting myself.
The most harm we will ever do to ourselves, and the world, is to lie to ourselves. As I've gone through this undoing and untangling process, I make myself be honest with myself, being brutally honest with myself about why I've let myself believe lies that are hurting me, what fear are the lies rooted in? Why have I felt safe allowing myself to believe this lie? Instead, what is the truth? Who had God really created me to be? Why haven't I allowed myself to be that person? (-if after all, being who I really am is when I'm happiest). If at the end of the day, it's just Him and I, then who cares what other people think?
Being vulnerable and honest about who you are will cause others to do the same. When we are real about being broke, shattered, imperfect, crazy, energetic, excited, genuine, sweet, kind (the list goes on) human beings, we permit others to be who they are as well. I rather be mis-matching and be so happy with being myself and who He has made me to be, than to be conformed to what others think of me and be miserable knowing it isn't me. I don't know if there's a greater tragedy than to live a life that isn't true to yourself. Living imprisoned to someone else because we care what they may think. Who cares. God loves you and accepts you. That's all you need. So it's time you stop hiding. After all, He sees you anyway.
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