“Zombies”
… they seem to be so mainstream in today’s world… with shows, movies, books and
a large majority of our media revolving around this idea of a corpse being brought
back to life after having once died. Often when I think of the term “zombie” I think of; lifelessness, walking around kind
of like on “autopilot”, no enthusiasm, dull, boring, mute, and stupid creatures really. Zombies always seem to be represented by their
death; their clothes almost constantly seem to be stained with dry blood from
slash marks of a knife, or something that happened to them in their lifetime.
As
people, we all seem to have become infatuated with zombies, and this idea of
the walking dead, but I think, maybe, it’s because we can so easily relate to
these “zombies”. We can all relate in different perspectives and assets, but
truth is, we can all relate.
Let
me better explain myself before you either get all excited, or all offended at
what I’m trying to say. I’ll start with myself, up until recent; I have definitely
felt like the word “zombie” could explain how I felt in life, in everything
really. I lost all enthusiasm about everything, I would go about life,
uninterested, on “autopilot” if you will, and mute. Definitely mute. If you
know me, you know I am rarely ever any of these things, ever. Haha… I enjoy
life, and always try to make everyday an exciting day, I try to live by “Carpe
Diem” in every way, and I always hate routines, they can be so ritualistic.
Usually, I’m never mute, especially about my love for God, or His love for me.
However, it seems I had slipped into a “zombie” like mode, where everything I did,
was dull, mute, ritualistic, and just dead. No matter what I did to try and “wake”
myself from this “zombie” I seemed to have had turned into, I couldn’t. I was
stuck. Stuck in a state of nothingness. I hated every moment of it, but yet, I
couldn’t figure out how to escape it. The things that used to come so natural
to me, seemed like such a struggle, like even just reading my Bible, as awful
as it sounds, I didn’t want to. I just didn’t. No reason not too really, just
was unenthused with life, even about the things of God. It’s not easy to admit
these things, in fact, it’s quite embarrassing to admit I didn’t want to pick
up God’s word and find out what God wanted to speak to me. (Especially being a
Bible College student to top it off!). But, like I’ve always vowed to be in my
blogs, I’m being open, honest and real, even if it does backfire on me in the
end. However, we’re all human, so why try and portray like I’m perfect or have
it altogether? No one does, not even me. So I had seemed to be stuck in this
zombie like being… and alas, I was fed up and just done with it. I needed out,
no matter what the cost. So I fought against everything in me that would’ve
liked to stay in that dead state, I begged God to help me, to desire Him more
than anything, like I had once before but slipped out of into this ritualistic
me. I guess through this time of being so lifeless, I had (in my own mind) beat
myself up for being so unfaithful to such a faithful God, that in my own mind,
I had separated us with my unfaithfulness to Him. Of course, in the past, I knew this didn’t
separate us; it was just my own thinking and mind that did it. But some reason,
this time, it really seemed to be the case, I was stuck in a box of my own
unfaithfulness to Him and I couldn’t get out, no matter how hard I tried. I
would do things that I thought my help me, but anything I did in my own power
just seemed to fail. Then I realized… this was all a lot bigger than me, it was
bigger than I could handle, or anything that I could do. Like when Peter took
his eyes of Jesus and began to sank, and then he realized he, in his own
strength, couldn’t save himself, he had no choice but to cry out to Jesus “Save
Me!” and then Jesus reached out His hand, and grabbed Him, and saved Him. It
seemed I had gotten distracted and taken my eyes off of Jesus, and I was
sinking, doing everything I could to stay “above the water” but anything I did
in my own strength made no difference. Until I realized I was in a hopeless
state, and would be continually like this “zombie” I had seemed to turn into, I
had to ask Jesus to save me, there was no way of getting around it. The moment
the words escaped my mouth (or came to my mind rather) it seemed as if He was
right there at the respond of my surrender with His overpowering love to break
me out of the prison I had created for my own self, by my own self, in my own
head. Why hadn’t I done it earlier? I
guess it was my own insecurities covered by pride in thinking I could do it
myself, and that I needed to get myself out of this zombie mess since I had
gotten myself into it before I came to Christ and asked Him to again be with me
in my life. It was a big circle of messes and lies the enemy had me to believe
that just caused me to sink deeper and deeper. The longer I thought I myself
could break out of this box of nothingness, the more and more I became like
what was in that box, nothing. Alas when I realized how idiotic I was being,
and stupid, I gave up and let God use His power to break this death like state
off of me, and off of my mind. Of course it was immediate when He did it, as
oppose to me and my trying and trying for a long time. Now it’s like, that song
lyric… “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone!” hahaha!!!... but in all
honestly, that’s what it feels like, I feel like I’ve been awaken from some
deep, awful nightmare I was living. It’s like I’m actually living again. Now, I
actually look for time I can read my Bible, I’m so thankful that I when I get
up in the morning, it’s another day, that I can live being with Jesus and even
just seeing His creation, reminds me of life that is always there, that I will
always have access to, as long as I stay focus on Him. I hate the times I’ve
lost focus of Him; they were my most miserable days, ever. But I’ve come to the
realization, nothing is worth more than losing my direction and focus on God,
cause when I lose that focus, I forget how much I am loved by Him. By now, if
you’ve followed my blogging, I’m sure it seems somewhat like I’m unstable in my
spiritual walk, but I think if we were all really honest with ourselves, we’d
see we all struggle in areas, and it makes us feel distant from God.
I
know this blog is long already, but, heck, if I have you this far into reading
it, I’m assuming you’ll go ahead and read the rest, lol. Now, I’ve explained
how I could relate to having been like a zombie; now let me show you how you
might relate in a few different ways (if you didn’t already relate to my own,
personal, story)
No
matter your spiritual walk, there is certainly a part of you that portrays
something that of a zombie and trust me, this is NOT a good thing! It may just
be, that you’re letting something that wounded you long ago, or even killed
apart of you, rule in your life, and as a result of that deep wound, you are
living in effect of it. Let me try and clarify, you’re living with “dried blood”
stained on your clothes from a wound in the past that you haven’t let God heal
and that wound, has caused a certain area of your life, character, or even
personality maybe, to stench with that dry blood. It isn’t pretty to the sight,
you hate it, but you live with it because you have for so long. You’ve become
numb to the pain it once was, and now it’s just a dry, infected, wound that
nothing but more hurt is coming from and out of. If you’re human like the rest
of us, more than likely, it’s not just one wound, but it’s several, or it’s
several small wounds, or perhaps one big, deep wound that never was healed by
God’s love, and as you go throughout your life, people seem to accidentally “bump”
into you and pour salt on that wound, causing it to sting and hurt just like it
did when you were first injured. This wound probably holds a lot of things.
Things like, resentment towards the person that caused the wound, bitterness
against those who can’t see it, and unknowingly make it worse, and over all
revenge to the world, to make it feel what you are feeling. I recognize, this
blog may seem a little dark, and very unlike the rest of my blogs. But it’s in
the dark things that need the most light so they can be healed, and if they are
never brought to light, then how can we see that they ever need healing? Some
wounds, you may not even realized were there, or even more so, have no idea how
they ever got there. But they are there, and that’s the subject of the matter. In
the natural, when our bodies get injured, it is affected by severe compact and
say, a bone breaks, what does the human mind do? It does everything it can to override
the pain, and it does its best to handle the pain, (that’s why often people
will throw up, or something). Well in the same sense, when we are wounded by
someone, naturally, we try to cover the pain up, we numb ourselves so we won’t
ever feel that pain again, causing our minds to go into a state of numbness,
and often, people live in that “numb” state all throughout their lives, never
letting God heal it or deal with it properly. This is how we, without ever
realizing it, become like “zombies” in our own mind. We are so dead inside, but
we do our best to appear lively and like everything is ok, when really it’s not.
Sometimes, we even lie to our self so well, that we start to believe our own
lie like nothing is wrong with us, and we cover up the pain of the wound with
this numbness of personality, obsessions, and other things. We become zombies,
we become, the walking dead. We have lied to ourselves so well, and we have
become so accustomed to this way of living, that we no longer seek help, and we
just simply think that it’s all “apart of living” …. And perhaps, it is, after
all we do get hurt in life, whether that inflicted trauma was intentional or
not. We live in a fallen world, we all have wounds, and we all hurt. I’ve said
all this to say this, now that you’ve probably have a scene, or a time in your
life flashing through your head that was the cause of this deep wound, or
several deep wounds, you don’t have to live the rest of your life like that. In
fact, you don’t have to live the rest of the year, the month, or even the day
like that. All the areas of your life that you have been deeply wounded, and
that have become infected because of improper healing, can all be healed, made
like new. BUT only if you allow it to. If like me, you’ve tried and tried to
break out of this “zombie” state by yourself, give up right now. Stop trying to
do it by yourself and in your own strength. Ask God to help you this very
moment, and know that He will, He is just waiting for you to ask Him to, and to
surrender the pride of trying to heal it yourself. Only HE has the power to
break the chains of the wounds linked to your past, only HE has the love that
will heal any and every deep, infected wound that may still try and affect you
today in your life. As long as you try and cover it up, and act like nothing is
wrong, the more that wound becomes affected, and then will eventually start to
infect those around you. You don’t have to live with it, it’s unnecessary. God
already knows all your weaknesses, and all the wounds that cause you to be and
react the way you do. My advice is to confess everything and everyone that has
ever hurt you, to Him. Tell Him how you feel, Tell Him your mad because of
this, you feel like this, if you think He is the reason for some of the pain,
tell Him. He’s a big God, He can handle it, in fact, He already knows what you
feel, and why you feel the way you do, but admitting it to Him will change you.
It will get it off your chest, instead of continuing to harbor it in and
causing more infection to your already infected being. Do all these things, as
long as you also realize that He is the source of healing, and not the enemy,
He is the only one, and only thing that can heal it, not anything, or anyone
else. I promise. You don’t have to live the rest of your life being the walking
dead, being in a zombie like state of mind. There is a power that can overcome
it (rather easily in fact) and you have access to that Power, to Christ, all
you have to do, is ask Him to help you, and He will, He wants to, in fact, He’s
really wishing that you would ask Him to help you. And after, let Him love on
you, his love is so much better than any love you’ll ever try to find on this
planet we call earth.
Anyhow…
sorry this blog was so serious, I usually like to not be so serious or anything
in my blogs…. But regardless of this blogs writing style, I hope it has opened
your eyes, and that you’ve let Jesus start the healing process from things in
your past already begin. Always know
that 1) He loves you, and 2) You’re worth it. =)
