God doesn't love me because...

If I'm going to write a blog about my life, and what God has been doing in my life, I'm going to be flat out honest about things, not hiding anything or going to try to make it look I've been living a perfect life. I'm giving you an honest me, this is raw from my heart, at times, you might think "she knows better than to think that"... but I'm writing how I honestly felt, so consider yourself warned. :)

I hadn't been focused. Somewhere along the lines... I got slowly distracted with everything that was going on in my life. I had so much going on, between two vacations right in a row, applying for college, and trying to savor every moment I have left with my family/friends before I go off to college in January. Somewhere in the midst, I slowly let go of what really mattered (not intentionally either). I didn't desire God like I did before, and I didn't want to worship or read His word like I so craved to before. I knew I had "drifted" from what had been my number one focus and passion in life (Jesus).
 In result, I spent extra time, trying to get back to that "place" where I had been, to get back to that place of passion and fire, to that place of insane dedication like I'd once been just a few weeks prior. I kept trying to "prove" myself to God. I guess, I was doing things for Him, hoping He would accept me back, and still somehow love me... Until one night, I was in my room, and I was sick and tired of feeling like I wasn't doing enough for God, I just started crying... I told God that I just needed Him to love me even if I don't worship Him or read His word or reflect Him with my life,I got kinda mad, I kinda just said to Him... "if you love me, prove it! I'm not going to worship you, or read your word, and if you still love ME for ME and not for what I can do for you, then prove it!" ... so... I stopped "trying" to "earn" God's love... (and...I realize that what I said probablly wasn't really the "polite" thing to say... nor the "strong Christian" thing to say to God..but like I said in the beginning, I'm being real, not hiding anything..and this is just how I felt, so it's what I said (Why hide things from God, He already knows what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, I just was public with Him about it) )
... so... for a few days...I just completly stopped attempting to "get God to love me", and I can honestly say, that EVERY day after then, probablly for about... a week or two straight... ANYthing that I even remotely thought of... any desires or anything like that... EVERY one of them came to pass and got answered, I wasn't even praying for them to happen and they would! I would just THINK about them and it would happen!. Small, dumb things that I didn't even think mattered, but mattered to me, whatever it was, every single time, it happened. I felt like I was living a fake life, until I realized what God was doing, He was doing exactly what I told/asked Him to do... He was "proving" to me that He loved me despite wether I was "on fire" for Him or not, despite if I read His word or not. He was showing me that He would bless me no matter what. When I finally realized this, I just broke down. It was then when He told me, that He loved me regardless... like truely unconditional ... He said to me: "Karissa, I will still love you, just as much as I did when I first created you, even if you NEVER picked up My word again, or ever said "I Love You" to me again. My love for you remains the same, it won't change, it can't change, My love for you isn't based on what you do for Me, but soley and only on my love for you, you can't do anything to make me love you more or less." .... ya.. it was pretty much over from there. haha. It was then that I realized, God doesn't love me because of what I can do for Him. But His love was completly based on His love for me (first).  I don't have to try to prove anything to God, (nor does He have to prove anything to me) He is God. He is Love (1 John 4:15). I am not God, I am not love( however I have God IN me, so I have Love IN me too).
The whole time, it was like..I was being like Martha, trying to work for Jesus and impress Him with what I could "offer" Him, and I wasn't being like Mary, and just simply sitting at His feet, receiving everything that I needed from Him. I understand now that Love is like a river... it's flowing... I don't have to "try" to make it flow... I just simply stop. realize it's there, and drink from it's pure, real, unending supply.
...Realizing how crazy God is about me, had only naturally caused me to love Him more, naturally desiring Him and His love, and to worship Him and read His word. I don't read His word now because I feel obligated too, or because I'm trying to "earn" God's love, I read His word, because it holds the depth of God's heart, it's like an unending treasure chest. I don't worship God cause I feel like He won't love me if I don't, I worship Him, because He loves me SO much, more than I'll ever be able to understand or explain. I worship Him, because I'm in awe by Him. I worship Him as a natural reaction of Him loving me first.
... I don't have to prove to God that I love Him, and neither do you.. just realize He does, regardless if you do anything for Him or not. When you realize how much God really does love you unconidtionally, you will have no other desire then to live your life dedicated to His love (Him).
Realize, you are: not obligated, You're priviledged. You're not lacking. You're overflowing with overwhelming blessings and Love. 
....always remember.. God doesn't love you because of what you do, He loves you for You! ... Stop trying. Like one song says... "Let go of your heart... let go of your head... and feel Him now." :)
...sorry for the horrible grammar and what not, it's late and the grammar part of my brain fell asleep. haha...